


We Asked the Universe

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Post-Gol fic from Spock’s POV. Amanda knew the truth. So did V’Ger.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 39





	1. Immediately after the meld with V'ger

I was uncertain as to whether I was merely unconscious or if I was dead. I had no awareness of my body. The only thing I had was my mind, which replayed the last 2.8 years in some horrible fast paced torture. I pondered that perhaps I was dead. Maybe Hamlet was right. If one dreams in death, and all I relive are the last three years for eternity, surely that is cosmic proof of a Hell, is it not?   
I wondered if I could hate myself any more than I already did. On endless repeat cycle, I relived the past again.


	2. 2.8 Years Ago

Our 5-year mission was coming to a close. We were on our way back to Earth, nearly a week away. We were playing chess in my quarters. I could feel his mind gently touch mine and a sense of fear as well as a sense of arousal rushed through me. He must have noticed, because he tipped his king back and laid it down, even though I am quite certain that he would have beaten me in three more moves.

“Spock, I love feeling your mind like that.”

I stared at him, at the focus of everything my mind wanted.

“I apologize for the link, Captain ,” I tried to be formal and proper.

“Why are you sorry? It’s amazing. If I--”

I shook my head. “I have never heard of a spontaneous bond forming before. Perhaps if--”

  
This time he cut me off by laying a hand on mine. Flames of desire shot through me and I did not know if it was mine or his or both. It petrified me.

“Spock, it’s the most precious feeling I’ve ever had.” He looked at me. I could see affection in his eyes. A tenderness that nearly undid me. “Look, Starfleet wants to promote me to Admiral. Wants to upgrade the Enterprise while it has her do milk runs for a couple of years. I want to get another ship. With you by my side. But more than that, I want this.”

He tapped his temple and I still do not know how he had figured out how to project his thoughts, but I could feel his love and affection mixed with sexual desire.

Fear flooded me. I was unprepared for these emotions. He didn’t stop. “Tell me what we need to do, Spock? If we get  married, we can keep this bond forever, right? This is like what you had with--” he paused, unable to say her name.

“This is nothing like what I had with  T’Pring . It is much more,” I replied truthfully, and felt a sense of relief flood him. My next words turned his emotions into fear matching mine. “We cannot get married.”

“Vulcans with all their IDIC are homophobic?” he queried, his fear blossoming.

“No, homosexual relationships are allowed. But you and I cannot get married.”

I felt his mind reach out to mine. “But you love me. I know you do. I know we’ve never been physically intimate, but--”

I no longer could take the emotions or the mental images from his mind. I pulled my hand away and the  link between us weakened. 

“Jim,” I tried hard to think logically, “If we were to wed, you would lose command.”

He was confused. “It’s not like I’d be marrying an Ensign. There would be no  repercussions \--”

“Starfleet would not allow us to be bonded. If they knew of this link right now, they would relieve you of command.”

He froze. “What are you saying?”

“There would come a day when the bond would be used against you or I. When the Klingons would have advantage and we would trade the ship to save the other.”

“No, we wouldn’t.”

I didn’t let up. “You would do anything for me.”

“Yes, anything.”

“And that is why we cannot get married. You are best suited for command. You cannot give it up for me.”

“I’m not giving up anything. We’ve worked side by side for years.”

“The bond is much stronger now. It’s been growing since you were in Janice Lester’s body. Our meld was much deeper.”

Tears were in his eyes. “I love you. More than command. I’d go work in a  dilithium mine for the rest of my life if I could be with you.”

“I would never ask that of you.”

“I know. But I’m trying to say--”

“Jim, you do not know what you are asking. They would strip you of command. They would think I have influenced every decision.”

“They’d be  wrong .”

“They’d start with the  inauguration on Altair VI.” 

I could see that I had gotten to him with that. I took my tactical advantage, traits I’d learned from him.

I began to act on impulse, afraid to let myself actually think or feel.

“I will go to Gol, on Vulcan, and pursue a path to weaken the link. You will retain command. You will--”

  
He dropped to his knees. “Please don’t leave me.”

For a long moment I wanted nothing more than to grab him to me. But in my mind’s eye I watched a parade of women, aliens, and even androids who had gotten his kisses. I was no one special. I did not even deserve what they had gotten. This mental link was more than I had any right to possess. I closed my eyes against the sight of him. “I must.” I whispered.

There was the sound of him shifting and for one moment I thought he would touch me and my control would shatter. But he did not. He listened to me. He left the room. The door hissed shut behind him. And for the  first time since I was a toddler, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, I put in paperwork resigning my commission and arranged  transportation to Vulcan. McCoy came to my quarters. I ignored his requests for entry, but he used medical override and came in anyway.

“What in the hell is wrong with you?” he screamed the moment he burst in. I quickly realized he was not concerned about my well-being. “Are you trying to kill him?”

I froze, for some reason never imagining that Kirk would have confided his feelings to another.

“He must have command. I am doing what must be done.”

“He’s lost command. He just accepted the promotion to Admiral. He will be the new Chief of Starfleet Operations when we return. A goddamn chair-bound paper pusher! He’ll die from boredom.”

I felt a further wave of disappointment, but I was resolute in my decision.

“It will be for the best.”

  
McCoy’s voice dropped to a painful whisper. “I thought you were his friend. Hell, I thought you were my friend. You’re destroying him.”

I felt rage rise in me. Guilt and rage and desire and emotions I had no name for. “Doctor, you have no say in this matter.” Hatred flashed in his eyes and for a moment I thought he would strike me. But he tightened his fists and pulled them flat against his body and walked out of my cabin.


	3. Vulcan 2.8 Years Ago

I took the next transport to Vulcan. Every moment was tinged with grief and a fog of emotions that I knew were both mine and Kirk’s. I became more determined to hurry to Gol, that I would pursue  Kohlinar and free him for his career, and free me from these emotions and their pain. 

My parents were waiting for me when I came home. My mother moved as if she would hug me but pulled back at the last moment. I was surprised to see  concern and confusion in my father’s eyes.

“I have come to take my leave of you,” I announced with a calmness I did not actually  possess . “I will leave in the morning for Gol. I will attempt  Kohlinar .”

The surprise on my father’s face was a further shock. “Why?” he asked simply.

For some  reason , I felt that I had to be truthful. “I must free Captain Kirk from a bond that formed between us without his consent.”

Sarek shook his head. “I do not believe you formed a bond without his consent. You may not have asked in words, but one cannot--”

“It will prevent him from continuing as a Starfleet officer. Should Command find out that he is linked with me, his command privileges would be revoked.”

My mother stared at me sadly. “But you love him. And he loves you. I’ve seen you together.”

Her words stung. “Love is not logical. I will proceed to Gol in the morning.”

“Spock,” Sarek said with a tone of affection. “May I examine the link? Perhaps it can be severed by a Healer?”

I still do not know what  possessed me to share something so intimate with my father. But I permitted him to touch my thoughts. He withdrew and looked at me with awe. “The bond you share is stronger than the bond your mother and I share.” 

“Does Captain Kirk wish the link to be broken?” my mother asked.

“No, he does not.” I answered again truthfully.

“Then logically--” my father began and I decided to use logic to twist everything to my decision.

“Logically I should not consider emotions. Surely, Father, as a Vulcan, you will agree that pursing  Kohlinar and ridding myself of emotions is a logical endeavor.”

My father froze. I felt a sense of victory. As if I’d finally  wielded his precious logic as a sword and won a sparring match.

To my surprise, he half-smiled. “It sounds illogical to say this, but in this case, I feel your pursuit of logic is an illogical one.”

The sense of victory died. But my pride remained. “Then I shall make another illogical decision, as I have before. I go to Gol tomorrow. Live long and prosper.”

He returned the salute and said the words, but his voice was tinged with pain.

My mother began to cry and threw her arms around me. For the first time in decades I hugged her back. And then I pulled away and left my home for what I planned to be forever.

I went to Gol, to a high-altitude desert monastery without any modern conveniences. The adepts worked most of the day in the hot desert sun and studied meditation techniques and Vulcan history. We were usually literally so worn out from the day's work that I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. That seemed to me to be a blessing. For if I’d paused to let my mind think or feel, I would have fled and ran into his arms.


	4. Vulcan

The years had passed, every day similar to the one before. Most of the time I could keep my feelings and thoughts from intruding. I functioned on something similar to autopilot. My routine kept me functioning. 

The night before I was to be acknowledged as having mastered  Kohlinar , I let my mind think of his. And it was my undoing. Or my salvation. But the next morning, I heard his mind call to mine. It was as clear as if he was in the same room with me. “God, Spock. I need you. If you were here, we could solve this.”

T’Lar heard it. For some reason she was unemotional and did not seem disappointed in me. I expected her to be revulsed at the human in my mind; the  weakness . But she simply said “his answers lie elsewhere.” I sat there for a moment in the hot sun, feeling a further sense of failure.

In reality, I did not know how to proceed. I returned home and was grateful when my parents asked no questions. My mother was watching a  newsvid and when I heard the reporter say that Admiral Kirk and the Enterprise were going to investigate the threat to the quadrant, I knew where I would go next. My father saw it in my eyes, even though I’d said nothing. “I can arrange transport for you to reach the Enterprise. Give me a moment.” He disappeared into his study and my mother looked at me with tears streaming down her face. “Go to him. Tell him you were wrong.”

I could not speak. I had not spoken much in the past few years. And if I spoke, I was sure I would break. That all the emotions I had buried for the past nearly three years would pour out of me.


	5. The Enterprise

So, I went to the Enterprise. And still barely spoke. Drank in the sight of my best friend. Fought the urge to say so many things. I had a duty to him and to Starfleet. If I stopped to engage in personal discussion, the mission would fail. 

As the mission became less hopeful, I decided that there was a skill that I had that I had not yet used. I would do anything to save Jim. I should have said I would do anything to save the quadrant. But in reality, I knew deep down inside that I did this to save his life.

When I went to meld with  V’ger , I felt a profound sense of relief. I would not have to deal with the emotions I could not process. Surely my meld would help the situation, and maybe would result in my death. I began to think that would be preferable than dealing with the pain,  than telling him I was wrong. That I regretted these last few years more than I’d ever regretted anything. More than I could physically bear anymore. It was as if all my strength and will was lost on the sands of Gol that day my mastery slipped away. The day I allowed myself to hear his thoughts again was the day I became lost. Or was I found? I still was not sure.

The meld with  V’ger was intense. I felt  V’ger’s questions.  V’ger wondered how we bore these pains. What were these pains? I felt its query as it replayed Ilia’s regret of having died before having truly told Decker how much she loved him.  V’ger wondered about my regret as well. The same, but much brighter regret that I had not told Jim I loved him. Had shown him the opposite.


	6. The Universe Answers

The present came back to me. I had relived the same scenes again and again. Where was I? A part of me began to lose hope. I could not spend an eternity reliving these regrets. I would surely go mad. I never believed in a deity, but if there was one, if there was anything bigger than this universe, I begged it to let me make things right. Just let me tell him I was sorry. Please. 

No sooner had the wish left my thought process than I became aware of my body. It hurt. Every muscle and nerve hurt. But I reached through the pain. I could reach him. I could find him. I couldn’t make my way back all the way back. I was dimly aware of him. I tried to tell him that I should have known. I should have known that he really loved me. That he was serious when he spoke. I realized I had heard him say my name so many times already aloud this trip alone. As if my name itself was a prayer. I should have known. I kept repeating the phrase—I should have known. 

Pain raged at me again. My left deltoid felt different. It stung. McCoy’s cause no doubt. Consciousness did pull at me then. I felt a laugh bubble up. My emotions were confused and I, who had almost mastered Kohlinar, had no control. I felt Jim’s hand in mine. The love he radiated was almost more than my battered mental shields could carry. It was so bright. I wanted to say something to project something but all I could say over and over mentally was I’m sorry. I was surprised when he projected back a mental image of starship shields and mentally "We’ll talk later. I got you back. It’ll be ok." 

And then he was the captain again, still squeezing my hand so hard it hurt. But I never wanted him to let go. When he did, I felt empty and did not mind slipping back into the unconscious that called to me. 

We operated on routine and habit. Solving crises as we always did. When Decker decided to join with Ilia and V’ger I wondered what would have happened if Ilia had not gone first. Decker would not have wanted to join V’ger. Would anyone have even thought of actually joining with such an entity? Was there a reason for all events in the universe? I never thought so, but I had never asked the universe a favor before either. 

When the crisis was over, he asked me to come to his quarters after our shift. I said yes and felt my heart race absurdly for the last 1.6 hours that was left on our watch. I was aware of his eyes on me. The way his mind was saying "thank you" aloud to the universe and "I love you" to me all at the same time. 

He gestured for me to sit and this time I sat without him having to ask again. I wanted to burst. There was so much I wanted to say. He sat opposite me on a small sofa. His hands were making nervous gestures with themselves. I knew they were nervous. But my Vulcan brain also saw the moves as erotic. My body and mind began their war with each other. For a moment I felt fear and almost fled. Gol would not be far enough to flee these feelings. But I wanted them. I no longer really wished to run. I wanted to acknowledge them. 

“There’s so much I’ve got to say. Can you let me talk first? Without stopping me until I’m done?” He asked softly. 

I nodded, afraid that if I did speak, I couldn’t stop either. 

He looked at his palms. “These last few years have been the hardest of my life. Harder than Tarsus. I--” He broke off, his eyes looked moist. Blinking, he got his control back. By now his pain and anguish were radiating off of him, assaulting me mentally. I didn’t care. I deserved his pain. It mirrored my own. 

“I’m ashamed to say I almost took my own life.” 

I was shocked. Nowhere in my mind had I ever considered this to be an option for him. He looked at the floor, as if it was easier talking to it than facing me. “Your mom saved me.” 

My shock was now a palpable thing. I realized both my brows were raised as high as they could. He glanced at me and smiled slightly before resuming his concentration on the floor. “She called me. Told me you’d been to see them. That you’d melded with your dad. Through her bond with him she said she’d seen what you really felt. As a human.” Kirk paused and wiped tears from his eyes. I sat transfixed, wondering what my mother could have picked up on through all those layers. 

“She said you were afraid I’d grow tired of you. That you weren’t worthy of my full love. That I’d leave you and abandon you like everyone else. How your dad had turned on you and cut you off when you chose Starfleet. T’Pring betrayed you. Even your mother turned on you when you chose duty over Sarek’s life. She said she’d slapped you. She regretted it more than anything. Anyway, she said she wanted me to know that she knew you loved me. And she loved me for loving you. She said deep down she hoped that you’d realize the truth someday.” Kirk rubbed his eyes again and continued, determination evident in his posture. He was going to tell me everything. “She asked me to be her adoptive son.” 

“So, I decided to live. For her. For you. Not for me, that day, but eventually I got back to that. I hated my job. What was worse, rumors started. Gossip shows said that you and I were lovers and that we broke up and you ran away to Vulcan. The first day I heard them I contemplated suicide again. The cruel irony that everyone thought we’d had what I wanted most in the universe, was almost more than I could take. I went a bit crazy. I married Vice-Admiral Lori Ciani.” 

He paused and my didactic memory recalled reading her name on a recent Starfleet obituary report. 

“We got divorced after a few months. She knew when we got married, I needed someone to quiet the rumors. I was honest with her, and she was okay with that. Until the first time she tried to wake me up by going down on me.” 

I was lost on the phrase until my mind captured the image from his brain. “I woke up climaxing and crying your name.” He gave a bitter laugh. “She told me that morning we would be divorcing. She said she was cheating on you and me by being in the marriage. And she told me she was sorry for me.” 

I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. I’d promised him I wouldn’t, but honestly, I could not have said anything. Tears were pouring down my own cheeks, but he didn’t notice. His gaze remained on the floor. 

“I tried for years to exist without you. When the threat of V’ger came, I didn’t know what to do. At first, I begged the universe to help me figure it out. I knew if only I had you by my side again, I could solve it. But I knew better than to ask for that. So, I asked the universe to help me get the Enterprise back. And I got her back.” He paused again swallowing hard. “When you came aboard, I almost lost it. I almost gave up on everything to hold you. If you hadn’t been so stone cold--” he trailed off and I was grateful that I had handled that particular situation well after all. 

“Anyhow, you know what I realized?” he asked obviously rhetorically, “You were right.” 

I was shocked. He still wasn’t looking at me. His shoulders had slouched noticeably. “Because when I went to retrieve you from V’ger, and you were unconscious, I asked the universe. I begged the universe. I told it I took back all my previous requests. That I would give up the Enterprise. That I didn’t care if we defeated V’ger. If you opened your eyes to look at me, that I’d never ask the universe another favor.” He laughed softly again. “You were right. I’d trade anything and everything for you.” 

His shoulders straightened and he looked at me through tears. “So, I’m asking you something. I know I can’t go back into space the way I thought I could. But I could stay Chief of Starfleet Ops and teach and maybe you could take a teaching position at Starfleet Academy. And we could get married. And the bond would be no threat.” He looked down at the floor again, but his shoulders remained steady. “Or you can tell me no, and I’ll accept that, because I already asked the universe for everything I ever will.” 

Tears poured down my face. I could barely breathe. My mental shields were gone. His open love and vulnerability hung there. Emotions and desires I did not even know names for flared inside of me. 

He took my silence in for a moment and then said “I should have told you I’m done talking.” 

I nodded, trying to find the words. “I know, I just--” I trailed off. “Can I show you?” 

He had crossed the room in a second and sat down next to me on the couch. When I touched my hand to the psi points, I let my mind flow into his. Showed him all my pain and regret. Showed him how much I loved him. More than I knew words for in either Standard or Vulcan. The link between us flared bright. I was aware that we were both crying and after a time the meld ended and we collapsed into each other’s arms. We sat there holding each other for a few minutes. And then white-hot desire burned in each of us at the same moment. His lips met mine and I knew then that the universe had given us more than what we asked for. So much more.


End file.
